


Troublesome Illusions

by TheLordofPhantomhive



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, SebaCiel - Freeform, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:15:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLordofPhantomhive/pseuds/TheLordofPhantomhive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one is as strong as they seem. Not even The Lord of the Phantomhives, Watchdog of the Queen. Despite the titles he may hold, he is still a child, and encounters the fear of the place he was used as sacrifice every single day.<br/>Life is not easy when you're barely able to survive, yet have a Pride that makes you stand on top of the rest of the World. However, the Earl has a secret, and his Demon Butler discovers it.<br/>How will he ever recover from this blow?<br/>Will Sebastian help him out.</p><p> </p><p>WARNING: Contains graphic SELF-HARM CONTENT.<br/>Also, a relationship between Sebastian and Ciel, which falls into Shotacon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, warning:
> 
> Sebaciel. Shotacon. Self-harm angsty sad fic.  
> Do not read if you are not into this.
> 
> Also, updates will be as frequent as I can. I have two more fan fictions, a role-playing Instagram and school to take care of. Personal life is real busy too.
> 
> This was supposed to be a oneshot but oh well...

"I can't take this anymore." The child whispered to himself as his hand held a cold object, which made contrast against his pale skin. As his eyes glared at the object in his hand, hesitation seemed to take over him, when the weight of his whole life hovered over him. Memories of the good times, how he lost them, the torture, and what came after flooded his mind.

Just then, he decided he could take no more of this, and with weakness that turned into strength, he slit 'it' across his skin. But oh, how much Ciel would regret that later in his struggle.

Relief took over his senses, and the teenager sighed. He was not going to cry, or did not even need to, as Ciel felt like he could not feel anymore. All he was feeling was...numbness...

As small droplets of the scarlet liquid poured from the wound, Ciel remembered the first time he saw 'those' eyes. The eyes of the creature who saved his life, but made it worse, all the same. It was unnerving, and Ciel could already tell: another slash was on store.

Without thinking, the boy took it again, another gash appearing across his skin as blood dripped out from it. Red, it was such a pretty colour, yet ugly all the same. Sebastian's eyes... "Why did you have to appear? I am better off dead..." He mumbled to himself, more images flooding. The Cinematic Record of his life was playing before him, although he was not dying. What an agony.

Madam Red...the representation he had of this color since his first days; Grell, the reaper who took away her life, all in vibrant shades of scarlet. The coat he still wears, which was for Ciel's aunt to wear. Red...the color of the blood he had bled and stained himself with, killing so many people for a selfish goal, and also the color of the Devil's eyes... The Devil who was his savior, but would bring Ciel's demise upon him.

Without thinking, he slit the razor again, and again, and again... So many times that he did not hear the door open, and jumped when he heard a call. 

"Young Master!" Sebastian's voice vibrated across the room, and Ciel dropped the razor before looking up. He saw the demon rush up to him, the situation immediately coming to him. 

Without thinking or saying a word, he took Ciel into his arms, aware that "Why" was not the appropriate question to ask. Ciel could only close his eyes, feeling all troubled for being found out, scared because of this, relieved because he would not have to hold it in any longer, or hide it.

"I hate you..." He said in a low tone, although the tone in which he spoke conveyed other feelings. Even so, he gripped the demon butler as he hugged him. Ciel could not afford to do anything else, at least for now.

"On the contrary, I do NOT hate YOU." Sebastian said with a gentle smile and hugged him back, knowing that Ciel must have been thinking that.

"How CAN you not hate me...?" The Earl questioned, wondering if the butler told the truth. How would he not be pissed, at least? The soul he cherished so much was weaker than he thought, and even went as far at to harm himself because of his thoughts...

"I understand, that every creature has a breaking point, whether it be a flower, human, reaper, or even demon..." Sebastian answered clearly, in a tone that would soothe Ciel, or so he figured.

Ciel looked up at him, the battling emotions reflected in his eyes calming down for a moment. "Even demons...?" He questioned, still not letting go. He knew that as soon as this question was answered, his emotions would keep on the raging war.

"Of course." The butler nodded, sitting on the bed while still holding him. "We all do. Just because we don't have feelings, does not mean that we have no emotion of any sort." Sebastian gave his Master a gentle smile, although he knew that was never going to be enough to calm him down. "Do you know the difference between these two terms?"

Ciel shook his head, still clenching on to Sebastian, eyes with a small bit of curiosity lingering behind all the sorrow. Weren't feelings and emotions the same thing? What the difference between them was, Ciel did not know.

"Feelings are...temporary, if you will. Emotions are the state in which the mind finds itself within a prolonged period. Emotions only last for a few days, at most." The Devil looked down at Ciel again, caressing the boy's head with his hand. "We demons are only capable of feeling emotions, for feelings are completely useless for us."

"I see..." He replied, thinking about the butler's words and nodding. Just as he suspected, he had satisfied the monster that is the human curiosity, and the demons inside his head continued laughing maniacally like before.

Ciel closed his eyes, and muttered, as though Sebastian would not be able to hear him, but due to how close they were, he indeed did hear. "No... Not again..." The small amount on light present on his eyes— the one that he had finally gotten back after so much struggle— was leaving him. 

"Master," Sebastian started again, wishing to reassure Ciel with his voice, but unsure if it would have the contrary effect. Despite the hesitation, he continued. "Nothing will happen, Master. I shall forever be by your side, and will protect you from anything that may try to harm you."

Those words made Ciel snap, and his eyes opened, full of distrust, sorrow, hatred, but more than anything, numbness. "...Don't lie to me. We both fully know how everything will end. Just...get out of here!" He ended up shouting, letting go of Sebastian and moving to the complete opposite side of the bed, yanking the covers and crawling under them quickly, as if it would protect him from the Beast by his side. How ironic.

"Young Maste-" "GET OUT!" Ciel shouted again in a strained tone, one that spoke about everything he was feeling at the moment, all at once. Sebastian had no choice but to comply, but made a smart choice and took the blade Ciel was using to harm himself away with him. 

As he heard the click of the door closing, Ciel moved over to the place were he had left the silver item, looking for it without removing the covers from his body. "Damn it!" He cursed once he realized Sebastian had taken it with him. "Damn demon!"

Outside, said demon could simply stand outside his Master's door, sighing in defeat. There was nothing else he could do this time around. The omnipotent devil, helpless against a child, but not just any child, the child that he ended up loving more than anything else in this world, destroying himself and dragging Sebastian with him. 

~End of Chapter~


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, sorry I've taken so long, but here it is! I present to you Chapter Two, after much delay!  
> WARNINGS: Graphic Self-harm content, depression, suicidal thoughts.  
> Also Yaoi and Shotacon. Well, all the warnings have been posted anyways.  
> Whatever xD

The next day, Sebastian had gone to wake up a grumpy Master, who only gave him death glares and said sarcastic remarks whenever he got the chance. The Butler, not having any right to do do much as speak, had to refrain from trying to calm or even soothe Ciel.

"In order to prevent a fiasco like the one from last time, I prepared for Lady Francis' arrival ahead of time. Is that alright with you, Maste-"

"It's fine," Ciel responded with more vile than usual in his tone, with not a care in the world for his butler. It was not as much that he did not care, more like he was not allowing himself to act like he did. Demons did not like 'weak' prey, after all...

Sebastian simply nodded, when he heard the front doorbell ring. "I assume that must be them. Now, please come downstairs, Master." He said with a small smile. 

"I'll be there in a few moments." Ciel said in an even tone and the butler bowed, exiting the room soon after. When he left, the Earl sighed. He had to calm himself and put on the 'happy' façade, for Elizabeth's sake. He did not wish to make her worry, it was not her place to do so. Actually, it was no one's place. He did not understand as to why Sebastian did. Although he did not truly care. It was all because of those cursed Aesthetics of theirs.

After a few seconds, though, the Earl managed to calm himself and walked to the office door, walking down the stairs. Elizabeth did not give him the chance to so much as greet them, and she was already hugging him.

"Ciel! I've missed you so!" She exclaimed happily before she got cut off by her mother. "Elizabeth! Such indecent behaviour! A Lady must never loose her manners, no matter if this is the place where I used to live."

Frances spoke in a stern, even voice, and Lizzie let go before bowing. "Excuse me, Mother." She tried not to act like she was upset, but she indeed was.

"Hmph," The Marchioness crossed her arms, before giving the Earl and his Butler an assessing look, scanning them up and down.

"As indecent as always, Lord Phantomhive. Like I've said many times before, men like you two should not keep their fringe hair long." She snapped, and Ciel bowed. 

Before he could speak, though, she yanked him by the arm and combed both his and Sebastian's hair back.

"Just like that!" Her arms were again crossed and both the Lord and butler had to put on their false smiles, although it proved to be very difficult for the boy. He hated this.

"I... I apologize, Marchioness..." He was barely able to keep his emotions at bay. "For making you through all this trouble..." This was a test, and he had proved to be able to hide his true emotions better than he thought.

"Do not mention it. But you should keep these things in check!"

"Oh, Mother, Ciel is doing just fine, is he not? Must you always treat him so harshly?" Elizabeth spoke in the Earl's defense still, but flinched at the glare she received from her mother. 

"And just who do you think you're talking to, Young Lady?" Frances frowned, crossing her arms. "All of this, I am doing for your sake! This man is the one you will marry in the future! I can't have him slacking off and being as lazy as his Fathe–"

The Earl frowned at that, walking in front of Elizabeth and not bothering to hide his anger this time around. "Would you please stop it already, Marchioness? I certainly do not believe one should degrade the dead in that manner."

He was defiant, and the Aunt frowned, before smirking. "And why should that be? I believe my words to be quite true. My Brother was quite the lazy man, after all. Do you have a point to prove?"

"Have I ever acted like a 'lazy man' today? Because I certainly haven't, that I know."

"So you do." She snickered. "How about you prove that to me?"

"Is this a challenge?" The boy smirked, still angered. "Because I'd be more than glad to take you on."

Lizzie noted the tension between the two, taking a step back before deciding on taking another course of action, and stepping in-between them with a bright smile. 

"Now, please stop!" She hugged her Fiancée tightly, smiling still. "Isn't that enough? Fighting is not cute at all, and all...!" The blonde spoke happily, yet she was scared, all the same.

She did not wish for a real fight to start.

She loved Ciel, and her Mother too. They were both most important to her.

"Lizzie..." The Earl looked back at her, realizing just how scared she must have been before gulping, and bowing as best as he could with her holding him like that.

"I apologize for my words, Marchioness, they were most uncalled for." He spoke in an even tone, despite the anger threatening to suffice instantly, should anything else happen.

The older female nodded, before smiling a bit and offering him her right hand. "I should apologize as well. That was not my best choice of words." Once the Earl took her hand and shook it, she smirked. "However, I must say, your reaction was to be expected and the best, Lord Phantomhive. I think I am satisfied with today's check. Even though your butler is as indecent as always..."

 

{ * } Troublesome Illusions { * }

"What was with her?" The Earl was alone in his room again, searching for something, anything that he could use this time around. 

"Am I truly that useless? She found flaws in everything, /everything/..."

He was talking to himself, but could not care. Too many things were going on within his mind at once, making him go crazy and only making him want one thing.

Ciel wanted to cut.

He wanted to feel that pain on his skin. The pain that reminded him that he was sadly still alive and not totally gone just yet. But he could not fight. He wanted it. He needed it.

He needed to punish himself for being such a horrible everything.

A horrible son, for allowing for his Parents to get killed.

A terrible nephew, for allowing for his Aunt to get killed.

A terrible friend, for allowing for them to kill him.

A terrible future husband, for not loving Elizabeth like she deserved.

A terrible Master, for treating his Servants so wrongly.

A terrible human being, for being surrounded by despair, and bringing even more of it upon himself.

What else could he screw up? Ciel should die, that was what he deserved for being so terrible. 

Perhaps the Heavens were punishing him with this emotional torture, and all those he had killed were the ones urging him on to self-harming.

Ciel did not care. He was going to find a way, and do it. That was, when he was reminded.

Since that demon had taken all the blades away, he could simply burn himself this time. And Sebastian would not be able to control that. Ciel was not about to be left in total darkness.

The thought made him smirk. All hope was not lost, yet.

He stood up, and took a candle, coming back to sit on his bed and looking at his scars. They were all fresh. Not that it made any difference.

And so, Ciel pressed the flame extinguishing the wax on to his bare skin, wincing at the pain, yet enjoying it all the while.

This punishment was not what he deserved; he deserved so much more...

Fire. Yes, he should have burned down on that fire, three years ago. His existence would have ceased, and so many people would have survived... They would not have been killed by the likes if him.

Fire... Fire... It took everything away from him, and will seemingly continue to do so. 

The Manor, his Parents, his Family, his dignity, his 'Friends', his Everything... 

What else was left? Ciel could not possibly think of anything important that had not been taken away from him already. His soul was already in the way to being taken as well.

Not that it really mattered...

"Nothing matters at this point..." He muttered, pressing the lit candle against another patch of skin.

The door to his chamber opened, and Ciel jumped when he noticed Sebastian rushing inside and taking the candle from his hand with a low 'excuse me,'.

Ciel could only stare at his butler with wide eyes, frozen in place. 

Again, he had to face the humiliation of Sebastian finding him in this state.

Again, he had shown the demon just how weak he was.

Again, he had demonstrated just how much of a failure he could be.

How did Sebastian not jump at him from fury right now, ripping his soul to shreds? Ciel could only hope for him to do it. Sebastian, however, did not move a muscle, staring at him with an expression that spoke of confusion and concern.

"Young Master?"

"What do you want? I already ordered you not to come into my chamber in the middle of the night."

"I am aware. But the only priority I have over your orders is your safety. I have to protect you from anything, even if the object causing harm is none other than yourself, I'll still be there to stop it." The Butler spoke in a low tone, trying not to make him even more upset.

"Part of your aesthetics as well, isn't it?" The Master replied with a sad snicker, although it was meant to be an evil smirk. Not even that seemed to work in his favor today. Was Ciel not such an expert in lying?

"It is actually...more than that, Young Master..." He faltered for a moment, not knowing how to word his next statement properly without making Ciel angry, but the Master interrupted him.

"Hah! More than that, you say? Quite hard to believe, you know, for everything, EVERYTHING you do is part of you aesthetics!" What he in reality wished to ask was:

'Is it truly because of that? Don't you feel anything else? Can you please, please not be disgusted by my existence...?'

But the words would not come forth, as Ciel was bound by anger, hurt, and misery. He could do nothing yo fend for himself, but to hurt his body again, and could not even keep that as a secret.

Sebastian, however, decided not to answer that either. This was indeed not a good time at all to confess, so he simply stayed quiet for a bit, until Ciel piped down, and looked down at him. 

"Master, you cannot keep going this way."he spoke after deeming for Ciel to be calm enough. However, he was sorely mistaken.

"Of course. Not this way, because this isn't the strong soul you raised, right? This one is pathetic, careless...it does not even feel sorrow or despair, or hatred... It's numb. It's a failure of a soul, right? You've wasted three years of life in this piece of good-for-nothing trash and you could not be angrier about it. It's obvious, really. That is just how much of a failure I am. In fact, why don't you take my soul now? It would be of more benefit to us both. I would be freed from my suffering and you would finally be freed from the mess this contract turned out to be—"

Ciel was not about to shut up, and the demon had been forced to gently place a hand over his lips in order to calm him. This motion, though, only caused for the boy to get mad.

"I'm not done speaking! What I mean is—"

"Master, I am not about to do that."

"Why not? Oh, I know. It's your stupid aesthetics again, are they not? I'm sure they—"

"Actually, it is not because of that."

Ciel's mismatched eyes widened a bit, both in curiosity and expectance. "Then why?"

Sebastian calmed himself, looking for the proper way to say this. Seeing there was none, he was blunt, and said it just like it was. "That is...because I love you."

The realization of everything that had just happened made Ciel sick, and he turned away from the sight of Sebastian, tone sounding angry when he spoke.

"Sebastian, get out of my sight this instant. That's an order." It had all been said in such a flat, even tone...it could scare anyone.

"Young Master, I understand that—"

"JUST GET OUT!"

And the Butler obeyed, leaving Ciel a mess in his chamber, face buried into his pillow until he figured out what to do next. Tomorrow, in the rest of his suffering life, tonight...

He simply did not know what to do with himself. It had all taken a far too complicated turn. Ciel wished for Sebastian to love him, but it was different when it actually happened.

"This contradicting emotions... This is why I hate being human!"

~To be Continued~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see if I can get chapter three in less than THREE MONTHS UGH


	3. ANNOUNCEMENT

Hey, guys! Dropping by to say that I'm not sure if TI will ever be continued or not. Sorry to disappoint, but this was originally a vent fic, not even meant to be posted. What I mean is, I only wrote TI when I felt like I needed an outlet. I'm feeling much better now, which means I won't be necessarily needing this fic anymore.

Anyway, if I ever feel the need and write more, I'll update it.

Thank you all for your support.

Love,

-TheLordofPhantomhive

**Author's Note:**

> Look forward to the next chapter~


End file.
